No Comfort From the President

Dear President Bush,

Lost in the tragedy yesterday at Virginia Tech, where a gunman killed 31 people before killing himself, was a comment that a White House spokesman gave to media members who wanted a snippet:

"The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed."

Now, why even say that? A deranged gunman grabs a high-powered weapon, walks across a university and starts shooting, and we must bear the appalling reminder that lunatics give themselves the right to bear arms, whether we like it or not?

At least that's how I viewed that deliriously inappropriate quote.

I think I know why this was said by the White House spokesman. Once again, Mr. Bush, you know that you hold a position on an issue that is unpopular, barely tenable, and pretty close to being outright wrong...

...so this time, you pre-empted any attack that might come from gun violence activists.

I guess that's not the worst idea in the world. Rosie O'Donnell attacked Tom Selleck for being a member of the NRA on the day after the Columbine attacks, some eight years ago. I can only imagine who her target will be today.

Regardless, just like you always do, President Idiot, you threw up a shield designed to deflect criticism from you and your party base, AKA your cronies, even though that criticism rightfully belongs there.

Fine, Mr. Bush. You do that. Just bear in mind that Americans already see through you when you defend the issues that you inexplicably attach your name to. There are only so many tragedies that a country can take before they decide to do something about it.

Free Tickets To See a Bad Team? What Could Go Wrong?!

Dear Wirtz Family (owners of the NHL's Chicago Blackhawks),

Hi. Me again.

I know you've hated my unsolicited advice in the past...actually, you probably don't even know that this blog exists...oh well, I like to vent. So you're going to get my unsolicited advice again.

I saw this headline in the Chicago Tribune

It says that you were offering free tickets (good seats too, right near the ice) to the Blue Jackets game this past Friday. It says that you were notifying fans who had bought tickets to 'Hawks games in the past.

The result was people giving away the Ticketmaster code to buy the tickets on Craig's List. The result was also season ticket holders sitting next to people who hadn't paid a thing for the tickets, though fortunately, there weren't many of them.

Okay then. Since you obviously don't get it yet:

1) When ticket sales are particularly bad, such as this year, when attendance at 'Hawks games was 2nd worst in the entire NHL, you definitely should NOT piss off the season ticket holders, who pay good money for their tickets, by making their tickets the equivalent of worthless...EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR A DAY!!!

2) When giving away really good tickets, try contacting the good people who, when they do come to games, sit in the 300 level. I went to two 'Hawks games this year. I wasn't even aware of the promotion. I'm a loyal fan, you fucking pricks. I probably would have even gone. Oh well.

3) When giving away free tickets, try lowering the cost of parking around the arena. Currently, it ranges from $12-$15 per car. Given the cost of gas these days, those parking costs don't really make the trip worth it. Oh, and another thing:

4) If you want fans to come to the games, try building a winning team first.

You can start by firing that idiot coach and General Manager.

But I've already told you that.

Anyway, this is a new low for a proud franchise. I think only the Detroit Lions are worse...and that's a stretch.

Digging Your Own Grave

Dear Rossford, OH School Board,

I see that yesterday, your school levy failed.

Normally, I would shake my head and think that this was a bad thing; however, I will show you no sympathy.

Why should Rossford voters fund your school district when you apparently have over $150,000 to settle a lawsuit with a Christian rock band, despite the fact that you won the lawsuit in court?

For that matter, why should voters have ANY confidence in you or your decisions, when the aforementioned settlement was approved by school board President Dave Kleeburger, whose son happens to be in that Christian rock band?

I think the answers to those questions are self-evident. In this particular instance, it looks like Rossford voters got it right. They rightfully had no confidence in you, and yesterday, they told you as much.

Good luck gaining that confidence back.

And jerk of the year (yes, already) winner is...

Dear America (except Packers fans),

Being that they are the underdog tomorrow (by 7 points), and since everyone loves an underdog...

If you find yourself needing an excuse to root against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, I give you the following reasons:

1. Tony Dungy is an underdog at life

2. Peyton Manning deserves it

3. The Super Bowl Shuffle

4. The Super Bowl Shuffle (the music video)

5. This guy:



(The Bears downed the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Championship Game)

UPDATE: And with a 29-17 score, the Colts finish what Mrs. O'Leary's cow started.

Barry Bastard

Dear Barry Bonds,

Retire.

Go home.

Jump in front of a truck.

Seriously, screw your chase of Hank Aaron's record. You are the holder of a bigger world record that will never, I repeat, never be broken:

World's biggest dickhead baseball personality.

Let's see, from everything that has ever been reported, you:
-Have used performance enhancing drugs (even you've never outright denied that)
-Cheated on your wife
-Beat up your mistress
-Threatened your personal trainer (the one who got you the drugs)
-Refused to show hustle after getting hits, so that you almost never hit doubles
-Threatened your teammates
-And, in your latest chapter, you even blame a teammate for your own use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Wow. Seriously, what could you do for an encore? Kill a kitten with a baseball bat? Throw a baseball at the head of a dying boy? Anally rape Vin Scully?

I mean, just when I think that you couldn't possibly do something to make the people of this nation hate you more, you go and prove me completely wrong. Well, I give up. There is no floor for you, Mr. Bonds. You are a completely terrible human being. You contribute almost nothing positive to this planet. You are the scum of the baseball Earth.

The worst part? You'll completely dodge any charges of illegal drug use that will be brought against you because you gave appropriately vague answers before a grand jury. Because of your celebrity status, you'll pretty much get away with beating whoever you beat. Because of the baseball universe being asleep at the wheel for much of your drug use, you'll even get into the Hall of Fame for the illegitimate numbers that you put up.

In other words, you will never suffer the consequences that you should for the actions that you've done.

Do you even have a conscience, Barry? Don't you ever feel bad about yourself and the people that you hurt? Are you so soulless that you'd step on and hurt anyone or anything just to protect yourself?

In other words, are you related to:
-Hitler?
-Stalin?
-Saddam Hussein?
-Pol Pot?

You know what? I don't want to know. Just go away, Barry. Get lost. Leave us alone, and let us think of what we can do to prevent more jerks like you from ever happening. I don't know why it makes you so happy to be such a miserable human being, but since you insist on that, there's no reason to make the rest of us suffer for it.

Still Doing Texas Proud...

KATY, Texas - A man unhappy with an Islamic association's plans to build a mosque next to his property has staged pig races as a protest during afternoon prayers.

Craig Baker, 46, sold merchandise and grilled sausages Friday for about 100 people who showed up in heavy rain. He insisted he wasn't trying to offend anyone with the pigs, which are forbidden from the Muslim diet.

"I am just defending my rights and my property," Baker said. "They totally disrespected me and my family."

Dear Texas Jackass,

Regarding the property of other people, you have little to no right to tell those other people what to do with their property. If they were building on YOUR property, that might be a different story. But no one's building on your property, so shut up.

Perhaps most importantly, if you insist on being a jackass, at least be honest about it. Not trying to offend anyone? Sure. I bet you race pigs by Islamic holy sites just for the fun of it.

Look, you can be a jackass if you must, but don't be a liar to boot. Do that and you're beneath the scum of the Earth.

See, this is why people hate Texas.

Sincerely,
Me