Kevin Harvick, asshat

At a Tuesday night media session designed to outline Dale Earnhardt Inc.'s 2007 season goals, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was pointedly asked to respond to comments Kevin Harvick made earlier in the day about the perception that Teresa Earnhardt is an absentee team owner.

``It's hard when you have what I call a deadbeat owner that doesn't come to the racetrack,'' Harvick told reporters during a stop at Richard Childress Racing.

Dear Kevin Harvick,

You may be right. Teresa Earnhardt may not be at the racetrack every Saturday or Sunday. Dale Earnhardt, Inc. may be running races without its owner on many a raceday.

Why is that? I don't know. Maybe she's still recovering from losing her husband at a racetrack. Maybe it drives her half insane to be constantly around the things that took her husband's life. Maybe she understands the business aspect of the sport much better than the mechanical half, and she trusts the men who work on her cars to take care of that half.

If any of those things are true, maybe, Mr. Harvick, you're right to suggest that she is distracted and that she should step aside from ownership of DEI.

A couple of things strike me though: First, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was competing with the best of the Chasers last year until Brian Vickers wrecked him at Talladega. Junior may very well have won the title, or at least come closer to it, if it hadn't been for that wreck. Did Teresa Earnhardt's presence cause that wreck? No. Did Teresa Earnhardt's absence cause that wreck? No. And in any case, Jr. finished 5th in the standings.

Second, when Jeff Gordon was making his run of championships in the late '90s, was Rick Hendrick at the track for every single race? No. Clearly, he wasn't at the 1997 Daytona 500 when all of his cars finished in the Top 5. Much of Gordon's success in that era was later attributed (probably correctly) to the work of his crew chief, Ray Evernham (now the owner of Kasey Kahne, Elliott Sadler, and Scott Riggs, despite accusations that he too is an absentee owner, which is another topic for another day). Did Rick Hendrick's absence or presence at the track make any difference to how Gordon dominated? The answer must be no.

The logical conclusion to this is that the owner's presence at the track on raceday makes little difference to how the driver does. In fact, if Teresa Earnhardt is absent from the racetrack as often as you say, the feats of DEI, especially on restrictor plate tracks, are all the more impressive, I think.

So, Mr. Harvick, maybe Teresa Earnhardt isn't at the racetrack, but I doubt that she's dragging her team down. If you wonder why Dale Earnhardt, Jr. has struggled at times, and I'm sure that everyone has, perhaps it's because he's got more pressure on him to win than any other driver in NASCAR. He is the prince, the crown successor to the Earnhardt dynasty, and he could not get out of the spotlight if he tried. Every move that Junior makes is critiqued and analyzed to death by announcer and fan alike. Maybe he just needs the pressure to subside, or he needs to learn to ignore it.

That said, Mr. Harvick, I hope that Earnhardt Nation is pissed at you, because you are certainly not helping the situation. All you've done with your comments is put more pressure on Junior. And why? Is it because you just needed to run your mouth off? Was this a half-hearted effort to try and lure Junior to Richard Childress racing? Did you want to psyche out an opponent before the season starts?

Whatever your reasoning, Kevin Harvick, it's time to shut up. You can't possibly understand Teresa Earnhardt's feelings, and you probably can't understand the situation at Dale Earnhardt, Inc. Teresa Earnhardt is not your owner, and it is not your place to comment on her race team.

And what about your team, Kevin? What about your focus? Why, despite having a dominant car for much of the Chase, you mustered no better than 4th. What about your continued presence (and boring domination) in the Busch Series? Could that be distracting you from winning a championship?

Conveniently, the struggles of Richard Childress Racing have hidden your lack of focus, Mr. Harvick. This year, with Richard Childress being "back" by all accounts, you probably won't be so lucky. That said, I hope that you're ready to answer when the tough questions start coming.

And I also hope you learn to mind your own damn business.

Ode to an Announcing Legend

Dear Benny Parsons,

In an era when sports announcers mostly consist of the overly-polished, Ivy League-trained snobs or know-it-all, arrogant former athletes, you were different.

Your homespun Southern drawl and hearty laugh made listeners feel like their grandfather was announcing the race.

Your ability to make even the most mundane racing move seem incredibly exciting was a characteristic that Darrell Waltrip now can only wish that he will match.

Your behind-the-scenes insights and personal asides brought out the humanity of NASCAR personas, and it made the sport not only watchable, but likeable.

You made every race that you announced a joy to tune into, every single time.

When ESPN lost the right to broadcast races just before the 2001 season began, my biggest concern was that I might not get to hear you announce again. Fortunately, you did turn up on NBC later that year.

Thank goodness. Everyone who ever listened to Benny Parsons comment on a race is better for the experience.

I cannot imagine a year without Benny Parsons in the booth. Unfortunately, now I must.

You will be missed, Benny.


Benny Parsons 1941-2007

The Angry Mob

Dear Denis Savard,

Hi again. It's us angry Chicago Blackhawk fans.

You know what makes us angry, Mr. Savard? A loss to the Red Wings. Yeah, that pisses us off.

You know what also tends to make us angry? A losing record. (Hawks are now 17-22-5).

Now, the author of this blog was particularly angry at you becoming the head coach, Denis. Just see his November 27, 2006 entry.

Yeah, but you began to prove him wrong. As a head coach, you actually started pushing the Blackhawks towards the playoffs...

...slowly.

The 'Hawks were within striking distance of the playoffs in 10th place.

They're now tied for 12th and in danger of falling to last place.

Hey, you know what might help? Sitting Nikolai Khabibulin. He's probably tired, having played 17 straight games. Yeah, not leaving him in there to get tired and die might definitely help.

Oh, but you know that Denis. You're a brilliant coach. Sports Illustrated even says so.

You'll know what to do.

And since you're so smart there Denis, let us be blunt with you here.

Fix this.

Fix this now.

Fix this now or we will take down that retired jersey of yours that's hanging from the rafters of the United Center, and beat you over the head with it.

Or maybe we'll just replace it with you...

...it depends. Are you going to lose to the Red Wings again?

Barry Bastard

Dear Barry Bonds,

Retire.

Go home.

Jump in front of a truck.

Seriously, screw your chase of Hank Aaron's record. You are the holder of a bigger world record that will never, I repeat, never be broken:

World's biggest dickhead baseball personality.

Let's see, from everything that has ever been reported, you:
-Have used performance enhancing drugs (even you've never outright denied that)
-Cheated on your wife
-Beat up your mistress
-Threatened your personal trainer (the one who got you the drugs)
-Refused to show hustle after getting hits, so that you almost never hit doubles
-Threatened your teammates
-And, in your latest chapter, you even blame a teammate for your own use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Wow. Seriously, what could you do for an encore? Kill a kitten with a baseball bat? Throw a baseball at the head of a dying boy? Anally rape Vin Scully?

I mean, just when I think that you couldn't possibly do something to make the people of this nation hate you more, you go and prove me completely wrong. Well, I give up. There is no floor for you, Mr. Bonds. You are a completely terrible human being. You contribute almost nothing positive to this planet. You are the scum of the baseball Earth.

The worst part? You'll completely dodge any charges of illegal drug use that will be brought against you because you gave appropriately vague answers before a grand jury. Because of your celebrity status, you'll pretty much get away with beating whoever you beat. Because of the baseball universe being asleep at the wheel for much of your drug use, you'll even get into the Hall of Fame for the illegitimate numbers that you put up.

In other words, you will never suffer the consequences that you should for the actions that you've done.

Do you even have a conscience, Barry? Don't you ever feel bad about yourself and the people that you hurt? Are you so soulless that you'd step on and hurt anyone or anything just to protect yourself?

In other words, are you related to:
-Hitler?
-Stalin?
-Saddam Hussein?
-Pol Pot?

You know what? I don't want to know. Just go away, Barry. Get lost. Leave us alone, and let us think of what we can do to prevent more jerks like you from ever happening. I don't know why it makes you so happy to be such a miserable human being, but since you insist on that, there's no reason to make the rest of us suffer for it.

Why Are You Still Here?

Dear Matt Millen,

Congratulations!

You are one of only two people in the United States whose continued presence in your office makes people want to scream, cry, and tear their hair out.

The other, I think, is George W. Bush.

Think about it: both men inspire large groups of people to congregate and conduct chants calling for their firing.

And why the hell not?

But back to the subject at hand, Mr. Millen. I cannot, for the life of me, determine why it is that you have a job right now. The Detroit Lions are 24-72 under your watch as General Manager. You have a top 10 pick in the draft for at least the third straight year. The Detroit Lions have finished last in their division for all but two years of your six year tenure (The other two years they finished next-to-last).

Perhaps most importantly, every single Detroit sports team has made a playoff appearance during your tenure. Even the Tigers! Sore subject?

I guess you have a job because owner William Clay Ford can't seem to let you go. Did you impregnate his daughter or something? Is he holding a shotgun to your head to make sure that you marry her? More importantly, will you honeymoon in Appalachia?

Okay, all joking aside (I think), you say, "I'll never quit...it's the way I'm made." Sure, it's the way I'm made too. The difference between you and me though, Mr. Millen, is that when I really suck at something, I walk away before I want to hang myself.

You'd think, with all of the criticism that George W. Bush receives, he might feel the same sorry way. However, there are people who think that George W. Bush is doing everything right (unfortunately), and people DO support him. Does anyone support you, Matt? I mean, besides from within the organization? Mr. Bush has at least 20% of the country agreeing with him at any given point in time. Does anyone agree with you Matt, besides Ford and the players that you overpay? What about them? Any big names signing with Detroit, or are the only ones who WANT to come back the ones that you brought in?

Seriously, Millen, step down! You can't be possibly be happy doing this. Would you rather live your days with an entire metropolitan area wanting your head, or would you rather go back to announcing, where maybe a couple drunks in a bar disagree with what you say? You can't honestly tell me that the former is preferable to the latter.

Sometimes, you just can't do something. Me, for example, I can't be an Olympic gymnast; I'm too old and inflexible. So what do I do? I stay the hell away from Olympic gymnastics! Likewise, Mr. Millen, you should stay the hell away from being the GM of the Detroit Lions.

And think about that "old and inflexible" comment.

http://www.firemillen.com