Blackhawks Down

Dear Wirtz family,

As you may or may not know, you are the owners of the Chicago Blackhawks, the city of Chicago's only NHL franchise.

As one of what is probably 1,000 *true* Blackhawk fans remaining in the world, I now ask of you sincerely, on behalf of all of them...

...why do you continue to hurt us like this?

Thursday night, the Blackhawks lost their fifth straight game (one of several times that this has happened this season). It was a shutout, 2-0 to the San Jose Sharks, currently 5th place in the Western Conference and in all likelihood, a playoff-bound team.

How are the Blackhawks doing? 13th; one point from being 14th, and three points from being 15th, which is dead last in the West.

So once again, despite elevated expectations and some good players, the Chicago Blackhawks have drastically underachieved and they will not be in the playoffs.

All the Blackhawks have to show for this year: one fired coach, one all-star, a measly 22 wins when the best team in the league has nearly twice that much (Buffalo), and our fiercest rival, the Detroit Red Wings, is in first place in the Western Conference.

Why do you insist on keeping this team so BAD, Wirtz family? Why do you continue to let us suffer with a terrible head coach, and an even more inept General Manager in Dale Tallon? Sure, Tallon has good intentions, but the man can't evaluate talent to save his life. He brought in the slightly-above-average Martin Lapointe (who, to his credit, became the captain), the terrible and injury-prone Adrian Aucoin, and the highly overrated Nikolai Khabibulin. Tallon passed on better, younger talent to form this squad of forgotten sorta-greats. And do I really need to go into detail about head coach Denis Savard? He's been an assistant coach since 1997, and the Blackhawks have made the playoffs ONCE in that span.

Actually, let's go into detail about Savard's ineptitude, shall we? The following teams in Chicago have enjoyed more playoff appearances than the Blackhawks since 1997:
-The Chicago Bulls
-The Chicago Bears
-The Chicago White Sox
-The Chicago Fire (MLS)
-The Chicago Wolves (AHL Hockey)
-The Chicago Bandits (Professional Women's Softball)
-And yes, EVEN THE CHICAGO FREAKIN' CUBS!

Why, Why, WHY must we loyal Blackhawk fans continue to suffer like this? Why must we watch our beloved team lose on TV (when we can see that, since you black out most home games), in person, and on the internet almost every single day? Why must we continue to have to find other teams to cheer for when the playoffs start? Why must our early-season enthusiasm be gone by the second month of the season?

Some have accused you of just milking the fans of the franchise out of their hard-earned money. To your credit, I don't think that can possibly be true. Fewer and fewer fans come to the United Center every year, and it's almost never full, save for the games against the Red Wings and Blues (and then, it's THEIR fans filling most of it up!) The attendance at Blackhawks games has been so low that it's become common knowledge among hockey fans in Chicagoland that the minor-league Wolves, playing at the lower-capacity Allstate Arena in Rosemont, frequently outdraw the Blackhawks. And it's not like the fans are even buying that much new Blackhawk gear; among the stores carrying less than a complete clothing rack of Blackhawk apparel: Dick's Sporting Goods, the Sports Authority, MC Sporting Goods, Target, K-Mart, Steve and Barry's, and most Wal-Marts.

You claim to be fans, Wirtz family, but are you? Does the losing hurt you as much as it hurts us? Do you really suffer when the 'Hawks limp to the kinds of finishes that they have become known for?

If so, for God's sake, DO SOMETHING! Fire Tallon and Savard! Stop looking within the organization for that savior and look outside for a WINNING coach and GM! Pat Burns, formerly of the Maple Leafs, and gold medal winner for Canada, is still available.

And you could always get down on your hands and knees and beg Darryl Sutter to come back. The franchise hasn't been the same since he left.

Whatever you do, can you at least give us some indication that you care? Many think that you're heartless, faceless individuals who deliberately want to run the franchise into the ground. Absent any words or actions to the contrary, I guess I believe the many. But even if you are those types of individuals, why do you have to hurt OUR franchise? Why do you have to add more misery to fans of a franchise that hasn't won a Stanley Cup since 1961?

Tell you what: here are a number of franchises you COULD run into the ground, and most people would be okay with it:
1) The New York Yankees (They've got 25 world championships and make the playoffs pretty much every year. Some failure wouldn't even phase them, and people would love you for getting rid of the Boss)
2) The Boston Red Sox (They've got the most self-loathing fans in the world anyway)
3) The Florida Panthers (No one has cared about this team since...well, ever)
4) The Tampa Bay Devil Rays (No one even knows this team is still around)
5) The Florida Marlins (Ditto)
6) The New England Patriots (Their head coach can turn crap into gold as it is)
7) The Dallas Cowboys (No one likes them except Texans, who don't matter anyway)
8) The Houston Texans (see directly above)
9) Roger Clemens (okay, not a team, but you could be his agent and run him into the ground and that would make a lot of people happy)
10) The Chicago Cubs (no one would notice)

Whatever, just stop hurting us. We've followed this franchise through hell and back.

We don't deserve this.

A Friend In Need

Dear Ford Motor Company,

We need to talk...seriously.

This is difficult for me, since I feel like I'm trying to talk a friend into going into rehab or something.

Let me just say that I think you make great products and I (mostly) trust your brand and have for many years now. My family trusts you too. Therefore, I feel the need to say something:

Get help. Get help now.

Okay, I admit that I don't know where the help is supposed to come from (Nissan? Honda? Chrysler?). However, it's time to admit that you have a serious problem.

Let's start with the net loss of $12.7 billion that you posted over the last year...

...which led to you cutting 30,000 jobs and closing 14 North American plants...

...and conclude with a recent report that, in your turnaround efforts, you are missing the marks that you set for yourself.

Wow. This is bad. Really bad. I...I hope that I don't need to tell you this.

Well, at least you had a chance to save some face with your racing program this month, being that the Daytona 500 was going on. Nothing cures company hardship like a win at the Great American Race, right?

And it started promising! Robert Yates Racing put its two Ford Fusions on the front row at Daytona!

Oh, but how it ended.

Only two Fords in the Top 10. The Top 4 were Chevrolets.

That isn't even the worst part. Mark Martin, a loyal Ford driver for nearly 30 years, nearly won the race. He finished a close second...

...like I said, driving a Chevrolet...for another team...

...and this was Martin's sentiment after the race:

"Mark Martin told former teammate Jeff Burton during the offseason this might be his best chance to win the Daytona 500. He told him the restrictor plate program for the Chevrolet he would drive at Ginn Racing was better than any of the Fords he drove the past 19 years for former owner Jack Roush."

Ouch.

Well, it's not like this is a new sentiment or anything. A defector to Toyota, Dale Jarrett, already criticized you for a lack of funding and engineering resources to Ford teams.

Not that you can be blamed too much...you really can't fund teams when you don't have money to begin with.

So that's that, Ford. You have little money, fewer workers, and no credibility in the nation's most popular racing circuit.

You are losing badly.

I do not have the answers for you. However, it is time to recognize that the situation is desperate.

If you need a shake-up at the top of the company, do it. If you need to develop smaller, cheaper, more fuel-efficient cars, you better believe that you should do it.

If you need to merge with one of these companies, well...

...at this point, I don't think you're in much of a position to bargain.

Get help, Ford, before you lose everything.

Digging Your Own Grave

Dear Rossford, OH School Board,

I see that yesterday, your school levy failed.

Normally, I would shake my head and think that this was a bad thing; however, I will show you no sympathy.

Why should Rossford voters fund your school district when you apparently have over $150,000 to settle a lawsuit with a Christian rock band, despite the fact that you won the lawsuit in court?

For that matter, why should voters have ANY confidence in you or your decisions, when the aforementioned settlement was approved by school board President Dave Kleeburger, whose son happens to be in that Christian rock band?

I think the answers to those questions are self-evident. In this particular instance, it looks like Rossford voters got it right. They rightfully had no confidence in you, and yesterday, they told you as much.

Good luck gaining that confidence back.

And jerk of the year (yes, already) winner is...

Dear America (except Packers fans),

Being that they are the underdog tomorrow (by 7 points), and since everyone loves an underdog...

If you find yourself needing an excuse to root against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, I give you the following reasons:

1. Tony Dungy is an underdog at life

2. Peyton Manning deserves it

3. The Super Bowl Shuffle

4. The Super Bowl Shuffle (the music video)

5. This guy:



(The Bears downed the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Championship Game)

UPDATE: And with a 29-17 score, the Colts finish what Mrs. O'Leary's cow started.