Early Battles With the Civil War Soldier-Hornets...or...Something

The 'Hawks split a home and home in the first two games of the preseason, winning in Columbus 4-3, and in regular season fashion, losing at home 4-3. Some thoughts from these two close games:

-Hey, Jonathon Toews can score on the Power Play! Maybe he can actually turn a unit that has been close to dead last in the league on the Power Play around a little bit.

-Wait, did I say *close* to dead last? Well, last year it actually was dead last. Hurry up and get good, Jonathan.

-And then of course, Toews has to go away for three weeks because of an injury. Someone tell Kenny Hitchcock that it's the fucking preseason.

-Who the hell is Manny Malhotra? And how did he score two goals on Khabibulin?

-Speaking of, which Khabibulin will show up this year? Last year's, or the one from the year before that was a $7.25 million headache? Early returns are not promising.

-Yanic Perreault, where were your three-point games last year?

-Robert Lang...decent. Needs to prove: a) that he's not Adrian Aucoin, and b) that he's not a Red Wings "system" player. Lapointe, I'm looking in your direction.

-Tuomo Ruutu and Jason Williams are coming up big on the assists. Both need to step it up this year to justify their staying with the team...Ruutu more than anyone.

-No scoring from Martin Havlat yet...maybe because he's not playing...because if he gets injured WE ARE SO SCREWED. Savard may not be a good coach, but he's not a complete idiot either...I think.

-Did anyone see the schedule? 4 preseason games in a row? Damn, why?

Anyway, home games tomorrow and Sunday. Players will be greeting the fans before the game. Great opportunity to tell them that they better do well this year or your bookie will kill you. Take advantage.

He plays hockey, so that means he can sneak you some beer

So apparently James Wisniewski is going to be greeting DePaul students as they come back to classes on Friday.

DePaul students will likely respond by saying, "Who the hell is James Wisniewski."

I guess this is what qualifies as "publicity" for the 'Hawks. See, what would have been better would have been to send Jeff Hamilton. Students could also win a date with him. See, that would be kind of funny, because it's just like the movie! And...what?...why did they send him to Carolina? Didn't he have a hat trick last year?

Well, that just sucks. Way to lose again, Chicago.

A Plea in earnest to the one they call "JR"

Jeremy, buddy...

Please, come home. Haven't you traveled long enough?

I mean, first, for whatever godforsaken reason, you spent some time in Phoenix. You should have known that hockey doesn't belong in Phoenix. How many Stanley Cups did you win there? Yeah, that's what I thought. Please, they don't even know what it looks like. I think they were even worse in attendance than we were last year.

You went to Philadelphia too. Wow. I bet that was rewarding. We can't all work for the always-understanding Bobby "We didn't tell Roger Nielsen to go get cancer" Clarke, but you were lucky enough. So was Amonte. So was Zhamnov. You were all on a playoff line called "Blackhawk Down." Did that humiliation win you any Stanley Cups?

Of course not. So you went to LA. You were the big man in LA. Only problem is that Anaheim is the big team in LA, and they haven't even been there as long. You watched as they won the Cup last year, but not your Kings. Was it worth it?

And now you're going to San Jose? Come on! Haven't you had enough of this? Come home, already. Oh sure, Chicago's not going to win the Stanley Cup this year or any time soon...unless Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, and Martin Havlat become Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, and Joe Thornton, respectively, overnight...oh, and Khabibulin would have to stop every shot he saw.

Okay, I know. We're not the best team in the League right now. But we all had fun when you were around, didn't we? Remember how you made fun of Patrick Roy in the 1996 Playoffs? Remember when you scored that goal on him and did that "ear ringing" thing? See, that was fun! Wasn't it?

You ran your mouth a lot back then. You still like doing that. The Blackhawks sorely need a guy that does that. Please, hockey hasn't been interesting in this town since...well, since you were around, really. We need that again. 'Hawks hockey doesn't even rank above soccer in this town anymore. You may not win a Stanley Cup, JR, but you sure as hell could make things fun again. Isn't that more worth it: to make Chicago a hockey town again?!

Dude, seriously, come home. Don't worry: Dale Tallon would sign you. He has no trouble signing washed up, useless veterans anyway (See: Bondra, Peter)... Uh, I mean, you've even said once that you'd "Always be a Blackhawk." I can't find when or where you said that, but you did! Don't deny it! And anyway, you wouldn't be ostracized for leaving. You'd be hailed as a hero again! "The Wayward Son Returns Home." It would be awesome. Fans would come to say goodbye. 35-year-old divorced soccer moms would sleep with you because they "thought you were cute" when they were teenagers. Wouldn't that be cool?!

And even if the Stanley Cup thing is so important to you, remember this: your ONLY Stanley Cup Finals appearance came with the 'Hawks.

I'm just saying.

They Aren't in Last Place Yet Because "Ch" comes before "Co"

(thanks http://teamtirecover.com/)

So things are going to change a bit around here...

I've been talking about it for a long time, and I guess I'm finally going to convert this blog into a Chicago Blackhawks fan blog.

I never had a huge amount of readers to begin with, so I have been writing this blog with mostly selfish motivations. That said, I found out that my best and most passionate posts were about the Blackhawks. This, coupled with the fact that there is only the venerable Kill Bill Wirtz that talks solely about the 'Hawks (see link on the left) as far as I can see, led me to this decision.

As an extremely busy law student, I probably won't update as much as I'd like. As this will now be a Blackhawks blog, I can probably count on few people really caring that much about that. So that's good.

I will still comment on other blogs that are either sports or non-sports related. I just thought it was time to steer my blogging into a different direction, especially considering that the majority of the blogs I read are sports-related.

So here it is, the second (?) official blog that deals solely with the goings on of the Chicago Blackhawks. Some preliminary thoughts before the preseason even begins:
-I hate Bill Wirtz
-I know that there are at least a lot of "closet" 'Hawks fans out there ("Is it safe to admit that I'm a Blackhawks fan?"- come on, you know who you are)
-I think Dale Tallon is neither a genius nor trying very hard

-I know that this team is probably not going to the playoffs

-I have never been a fan of Denis Savard as a coach
-My wife would probably leave me for Tuomo Ruutu

So here we go. I'll come out with a season preview a little later in the preseason. Remember, I'm hopelessly optimistic, so I'd like to see them play a few games first.

Not Sure What Else to Say

Dear Michael Moore,

Let me preface everything by explaining that one of the reasons that I called this blog "Letters to the Wasteland" is because I primarily wrote letters pleading for sanity from those to whom I was writing. Basically, I wrote to those who desperately needed to hear what I had to say.

It is perhaps fitting that, in what will likely be my final blog entry here, I write to you, Mr. Moore, someone who probably really doesn't need to hear what I have to say as, deep down, perhaps you know what I'm about to say. Perhaps you've even heard it by now.

I saw your new movie "Sicko" last night. Much like your other movies, I enjoyed watching "Sicko." Undoubtedly, you intended many of the scenes to be disturbing, particularly those involving people getting crushed by health insurance companies as if they were ants. Well, as one of your favorite targets would say, mission accomplished. I was extremely disturbed by the extreme mistreatment given American citizens by their health care companies. I shook my head in disgust and anger over how other countries are more than capable of giving their citizens free and adequate health care, and I appreciated your point about how those countries care for their citizens in a way that our country does not.

However, I sensed extreme distress from you, Mike. At times in the movie, even you seemed disturbed and exasperated at how much better other, less wealthy countries do at providing health care for their people. At times, you even seemed downright depressed at what you were hearing. I can't say I blame you.

At the end of the movie though, you kinda surprised me. You essentially asked what has happened to the America you thought you knew, the America where people look out for each other down to their worst enemies, where people have consideration for one another and really CARE about things, and where people aren't so apathetic and/or scared of their own government.

This surprised me, Mike, because I thought that, in all of your experience, you would know by now that the America you speak of doesn't exist, and maybe never has.

Oh sure, to an extent, there's the example of rural America. They are blindly loyal to Republicans, unfortunately, but at least they tend to care about themselves and their neighbors.

But look at the rest of the nation. In big and moderately big cities, people care about one thing and one thing only: money. They would beat, punch, kick, and step over their own relatives to get it.

Like I said, I know that you probably know this and that you're probably frustrated by it too.

To be honest, I don't know when this started exactly, but it is by no means a new switch in American thought. For years and years now, America has been marked by companies making outrageous profits at the expense of other human beings. Look back to slavery, the turn of the 20th century, and the countless wars that America has entered into. Clearly, America has a history of being solely concerned with profit at the expense of others.

Especially in the big cities today (Chicago is a perfect example), the people will run into you on the sidewalk and not apologize. They will walk through the door that you held open for them and not even given you a second glance. They will try to kill you with their cars and then act like it's your fault. Most importantly, they will take money from almost anyone if it puts them in a bigger house.

It's sad and it's sick, but it illustrates my point.

Mike, you also made the point that Americans are essentially afraid of their government, and not vice versa. I disagree. In actuality, I think that it's not that Americans are afraid of their government, it's just that they don't think they can change anything. America is a big country, and lobbyists spend hard to win over the politicians that people think (or feel like) they're electing. No one in Congress is free of big money any more. What can one citizen do?

All in all, it's a hopeless system and unless someone breaks through the money that holds this nation's consciousness like an iron fist, nothing will change.

Mike, I don't fault you for seeing the best in America. I see it too. I also don't fault you for truly believing in the ability of this country to change. I hope for this change every day.

The fact is though, too few people in this country care more about their fellow citizens than money, and whatever the reason for that, it's wrong.

But I still hope that America can turn itself around. I still hope that things can change. I still hope that there's something I can do as an individual to help people care about their fellow citizens. I still truly hope that I can do something to make a difference.

And I'm convinced now that it doesn't lie in typing things here.

If there's anything that your films teach, Mr. Moore, it's that the problems this nation faces are monumentally large. They call for action, not words.

So stop talking America, and do something about this mess.

I think it's about time that I did.

No Comfort From the President

Dear President Bush,

Lost in the tragedy yesterday at Virginia Tech, where a gunman killed 31 people before killing himself, was a comment that a White House spokesman gave to media members who wanted a snippet:

"The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed."

Now, why even say that? A deranged gunman grabs a high-powered weapon, walks across a university and starts shooting, and we must bear the appalling reminder that lunatics give themselves the right to bear arms, whether we like it or not?

At least that's how I viewed that deliriously inappropriate quote.

I think I know why this was said by the White House spokesman. Once again, Mr. Bush, you know that you hold a position on an issue that is unpopular, barely tenable, and pretty close to being outright wrong...

...so this time, you pre-empted any attack that might come from gun violence activists.

I guess that's not the worst idea in the world. Rosie O'Donnell attacked Tom Selleck for being a member of the NRA on the day after the Columbine attacks, some eight years ago. I can only imagine who her target will be today.

Regardless, just like you always do, President Idiot, you threw up a shield designed to deflect criticism from you and your party base, AKA your cronies, even though that criticism rightfully belongs there.

Fine, Mr. Bush. You do that. Just bear in mind that Americans already see through you when you defend the issues that you inexplicably attach your name to. There are only so many tragedies that a country can take before they decide to do something about it.

Free Tickets To See a Bad Team? What Could Go Wrong?!

Dear Wirtz Family (owners of the NHL's Chicago Blackhawks),

Hi. Me again.

I know you've hated my unsolicited advice in the past...actually, you probably don't even know that this blog exists...oh well, I like to vent. So you're going to get my unsolicited advice again.

I saw this headline in the Chicago Tribune

It says that you were offering free tickets (good seats too, right near the ice) to the Blue Jackets game this past Friday. It says that you were notifying fans who had bought tickets to 'Hawks games in the past.

The result was people giving away the Ticketmaster code to buy the tickets on Craig's List. The result was also season ticket holders sitting next to people who hadn't paid a thing for the tickets, though fortunately, there weren't many of them.

Okay then. Since you obviously don't get it yet:

1) When ticket sales are particularly bad, such as this year, when attendance at 'Hawks games was 2nd worst in the entire NHL, you definitely should NOT piss off the season ticket holders, who pay good money for their tickets, by making their tickets the equivalent of worthless...EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR A DAY!!!

2) When giving away really good tickets, try contacting the good people who, when they do come to games, sit in the 300 level. I went to two 'Hawks games this year. I wasn't even aware of the promotion. I'm a loyal fan, you fucking pricks. I probably would have even gone. Oh well.

3) When giving away free tickets, try lowering the cost of parking around the arena. Currently, it ranges from $12-$15 per car. Given the cost of gas these days, those parking costs don't really make the trip worth it. Oh, and another thing:

4) If you want fans to come to the games, try building a winning team first.

You can start by firing that idiot coach and General Manager.

But I've already told you that.

Anyway, this is a new low for a proud franchise. I think only the Detroit Lions are worse...and that's a stretch.

A Final Grade

Dear Wirtz Family who owns the Chicago Blackhawks, (and all Blackhawks fans who are reading, for that matter),

Today, the Blackhawks blew a 2-1 lead to lose 3-2 to the Calgary Flames.

This brings the Blackhawks to 63 points, 6 behind the Columbus Blue Jackets for last place in the Western Conference Central Division, and last overall in the Western Conference.

If you care at all about the Chicago Blackhawks, please immediately fire Denis Savard, the Head Coach, and Dale Tallon, the General Manager. They have proven completely unable to put together a winner.

In the meantime, please seriously consider and contemplate why you wish to own one of the most money-draining and unpopular franchises in all of sports.

Did you hear me? You are almost certainly losing money. You are less popular than the Wolves. You CAN'T be making money.

Please give serious, thoughtful consideration to running this hockey club. Thank you.



Yeah, it's probably hopeless, but nothing could HURT at this point, could it?

Blackhawks Down

Dear Wirtz family,

As you may or may not know, you are the owners of the Chicago Blackhawks, the city of Chicago's only NHL franchise.

As one of what is probably 1,000 *true* Blackhawk fans remaining in the world, I now ask of you sincerely, on behalf of all of them...

...why do you continue to hurt us like this?

Thursday night, the Blackhawks lost their fifth straight game (one of several times that this has happened this season). It was a shutout, 2-0 to the San Jose Sharks, currently 5th place in the Western Conference and in all likelihood, a playoff-bound team.

How are the Blackhawks doing? 13th; one point from being 14th, and three points from being 15th, which is dead last in the West.

So once again, despite elevated expectations and some good players, the Chicago Blackhawks have drastically underachieved and they will not be in the playoffs.

All the Blackhawks have to show for this year: one fired coach, one all-star, a measly 22 wins when the best team in the league has nearly twice that much (Buffalo), and our fiercest rival, the Detroit Red Wings, is in first place in the Western Conference.

Why do you insist on keeping this team so BAD, Wirtz family? Why do you continue to let us suffer with a terrible head coach, and an even more inept General Manager in Dale Tallon? Sure, Tallon has good intentions, but the man can't evaluate talent to save his life. He brought in the slightly-above-average Martin Lapointe (who, to his credit, became the captain), the terrible and injury-prone Adrian Aucoin, and the highly overrated Nikolai Khabibulin. Tallon passed on better, younger talent to form this squad of forgotten sorta-greats. And do I really need to go into detail about head coach Denis Savard? He's been an assistant coach since 1997, and the Blackhawks have made the playoffs ONCE in that span.

Actually, let's go into detail about Savard's ineptitude, shall we? The following teams in Chicago have enjoyed more playoff appearances than the Blackhawks since 1997:
-The Chicago Bulls
-The Chicago Bears
-The Chicago White Sox
-The Chicago Fire (MLS)
-The Chicago Wolves (AHL Hockey)
-The Chicago Bandits (Professional Women's Softball)
-And yes, EVEN THE CHICAGO FREAKIN' CUBS!

Why, Why, WHY must we loyal Blackhawk fans continue to suffer like this? Why must we watch our beloved team lose on TV (when we can see that, since you black out most home games), in person, and on the internet almost every single day? Why must we continue to have to find other teams to cheer for when the playoffs start? Why must our early-season enthusiasm be gone by the second month of the season?

Some have accused you of just milking the fans of the franchise out of their hard-earned money. To your credit, I don't think that can possibly be true. Fewer and fewer fans come to the United Center every year, and it's almost never full, save for the games against the Red Wings and Blues (and then, it's THEIR fans filling most of it up!) The attendance at Blackhawks games has been so low that it's become common knowledge among hockey fans in Chicagoland that the minor-league Wolves, playing at the lower-capacity Allstate Arena in Rosemont, frequently outdraw the Blackhawks. And it's not like the fans are even buying that much new Blackhawk gear; among the stores carrying less than a complete clothing rack of Blackhawk apparel: Dick's Sporting Goods, the Sports Authority, MC Sporting Goods, Target, K-Mart, Steve and Barry's, and most Wal-Marts.

You claim to be fans, Wirtz family, but are you? Does the losing hurt you as much as it hurts us? Do you really suffer when the 'Hawks limp to the kinds of finishes that they have become known for?

If so, for God's sake, DO SOMETHING! Fire Tallon and Savard! Stop looking within the organization for that savior and look outside for a WINNING coach and GM! Pat Burns, formerly of the Maple Leafs, and gold medal winner for Canada, is still available.

And you could always get down on your hands and knees and beg Darryl Sutter to come back. The franchise hasn't been the same since he left.

Whatever you do, can you at least give us some indication that you care? Many think that you're heartless, faceless individuals who deliberately want to run the franchise into the ground. Absent any words or actions to the contrary, I guess I believe the many. But even if you are those types of individuals, why do you have to hurt OUR franchise? Why do you have to add more misery to fans of a franchise that hasn't won a Stanley Cup since 1961?

Tell you what: here are a number of franchises you COULD run into the ground, and most people would be okay with it:
1) The New York Yankees (They've got 25 world championships and make the playoffs pretty much every year. Some failure wouldn't even phase them, and people would love you for getting rid of the Boss)
2) The Boston Red Sox (They've got the most self-loathing fans in the world anyway)
3) The Florida Panthers (No one has cared about this team since...well, ever)
4) The Tampa Bay Devil Rays (No one even knows this team is still around)
5) The Florida Marlins (Ditto)
6) The New England Patriots (Their head coach can turn crap into gold as it is)
7) The Dallas Cowboys (No one likes them except Texans, who don't matter anyway)
8) The Houston Texans (see directly above)
9) Roger Clemens (okay, not a team, but you could be his agent and run him into the ground and that would make a lot of people happy)
10) The Chicago Cubs (no one would notice)

Whatever, just stop hurting us. We've followed this franchise through hell and back.

We don't deserve this.

A Friend In Need

Dear Ford Motor Company,

We need to talk...seriously.

This is difficult for me, since I feel like I'm trying to talk a friend into going into rehab or something.

Let me just say that I think you make great products and I (mostly) trust your brand and have for many years now. My family trusts you too. Therefore, I feel the need to say something:

Get help. Get help now.

Okay, I admit that I don't know where the help is supposed to come from (Nissan? Honda? Chrysler?). However, it's time to admit that you have a serious problem.

Let's start with the net loss of $12.7 billion that you posted over the last year...

...which led to you cutting 30,000 jobs and closing 14 North American plants...

...and conclude with a recent report that, in your turnaround efforts, you are missing the marks that you set for yourself.

Wow. This is bad. Really bad. I...I hope that I don't need to tell you this.

Well, at least you had a chance to save some face with your racing program this month, being that the Daytona 500 was going on. Nothing cures company hardship like a win at the Great American Race, right?

And it started promising! Robert Yates Racing put its two Ford Fusions on the front row at Daytona!

Oh, but how it ended.

Only two Fords in the Top 10. The Top 4 were Chevrolets.

That isn't even the worst part. Mark Martin, a loyal Ford driver for nearly 30 years, nearly won the race. He finished a close second...

...like I said, driving a Chevrolet...for another team...

...and this was Martin's sentiment after the race:

"Mark Martin told former teammate Jeff Burton during the offseason this might be his best chance to win the Daytona 500. He told him the restrictor plate program for the Chevrolet he would drive at Ginn Racing was better than any of the Fords he drove the past 19 years for former owner Jack Roush."

Ouch.

Well, it's not like this is a new sentiment or anything. A defector to Toyota, Dale Jarrett, already criticized you for a lack of funding and engineering resources to Ford teams.

Not that you can be blamed too much...you really can't fund teams when you don't have money to begin with.

So that's that, Ford. You have little money, fewer workers, and no credibility in the nation's most popular racing circuit.

You are losing badly.

I do not have the answers for you. However, it is time to recognize that the situation is desperate.

If you need a shake-up at the top of the company, do it. If you need to develop smaller, cheaper, more fuel-efficient cars, you better believe that you should do it.

If you need to merge with one of these companies, well...

...at this point, I don't think you're in much of a position to bargain.

Get help, Ford, before you lose everything.

Digging Your Own Grave

Dear Rossford, OH School Board,

I see that yesterday, your school levy failed.

Normally, I would shake my head and think that this was a bad thing; however, I will show you no sympathy.

Why should Rossford voters fund your school district when you apparently have over $150,000 to settle a lawsuit with a Christian rock band, despite the fact that you won the lawsuit in court?

For that matter, why should voters have ANY confidence in you or your decisions, when the aforementioned settlement was approved by school board President Dave Kleeburger, whose son happens to be in that Christian rock band?

I think the answers to those questions are self-evident. In this particular instance, it looks like Rossford voters got it right. They rightfully had no confidence in you, and yesterday, they told you as much.

Good luck gaining that confidence back.

And jerk of the year (yes, already) winner is...

Dear America (except Packers fans),

Being that they are the underdog tomorrow (by 7 points), and since everyone loves an underdog...

If you find yourself needing an excuse to root against the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, I give you the following reasons:

1. Tony Dungy is an underdog at life

2. Peyton Manning deserves it

3. The Super Bowl Shuffle

4. The Super Bowl Shuffle (the music video)

5. This guy:



(The Bears downed the New Orleans Saints in the NFC Championship Game)

UPDATE: And with a 29-17 score, the Colts finish what Mrs. O'Leary's cow started.

Kevin Harvick, asshat

At a Tuesday night media session designed to outline Dale Earnhardt Inc.'s 2007 season goals, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was pointedly asked to respond to comments Kevin Harvick made earlier in the day about the perception that Teresa Earnhardt is an absentee team owner.

``It's hard when you have what I call a deadbeat owner that doesn't come to the racetrack,'' Harvick told reporters during a stop at Richard Childress Racing.

Dear Kevin Harvick,

You may be right. Teresa Earnhardt may not be at the racetrack every Saturday or Sunday. Dale Earnhardt, Inc. may be running races without its owner on many a raceday.

Why is that? I don't know. Maybe she's still recovering from losing her husband at a racetrack. Maybe it drives her half insane to be constantly around the things that took her husband's life. Maybe she understands the business aspect of the sport much better than the mechanical half, and she trusts the men who work on her cars to take care of that half.

If any of those things are true, maybe, Mr. Harvick, you're right to suggest that she is distracted and that she should step aside from ownership of DEI.

A couple of things strike me though: First, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was competing with the best of the Chasers last year until Brian Vickers wrecked him at Talladega. Junior may very well have won the title, or at least come closer to it, if it hadn't been for that wreck. Did Teresa Earnhardt's presence cause that wreck? No. Did Teresa Earnhardt's absence cause that wreck? No. And in any case, Jr. finished 5th in the standings.

Second, when Jeff Gordon was making his run of championships in the late '90s, was Rick Hendrick at the track for every single race? No. Clearly, he wasn't at the 1997 Daytona 500 when all of his cars finished in the Top 5. Much of Gordon's success in that era was later attributed (probably correctly) to the work of his crew chief, Ray Evernham (now the owner of Kasey Kahne, Elliott Sadler, and Scott Riggs, despite accusations that he too is an absentee owner, which is another topic for another day). Did Rick Hendrick's absence or presence at the track make any difference to how Gordon dominated? The answer must be no.

The logical conclusion to this is that the owner's presence at the track on raceday makes little difference to how the driver does. In fact, if Teresa Earnhardt is absent from the racetrack as often as you say, the feats of DEI, especially on restrictor plate tracks, are all the more impressive, I think.

So, Mr. Harvick, maybe Teresa Earnhardt isn't at the racetrack, but I doubt that she's dragging her team down. If you wonder why Dale Earnhardt, Jr. has struggled at times, and I'm sure that everyone has, perhaps it's because he's got more pressure on him to win than any other driver in NASCAR. He is the prince, the crown successor to the Earnhardt dynasty, and he could not get out of the spotlight if he tried. Every move that Junior makes is critiqued and analyzed to death by announcer and fan alike. Maybe he just needs the pressure to subside, or he needs to learn to ignore it.

That said, Mr. Harvick, I hope that Earnhardt Nation is pissed at you, because you are certainly not helping the situation. All you've done with your comments is put more pressure on Junior. And why? Is it because you just needed to run your mouth off? Was this a half-hearted effort to try and lure Junior to Richard Childress racing? Did you want to psyche out an opponent before the season starts?

Whatever your reasoning, Kevin Harvick, it's time to shut up. You can't possibly understand Teresa Earnhardt's feelings, and you probably can't understand the situation at Dale Earnhardt, Inc. Teresa Earnhardt is not your owner, and it is not your place to comment on her race team.

And what about your team, Kevin? What about your focus? Why, despite having a dominant car for much of the Chase, you mustered no better than 4th. What about your continued presence (and boring domination) in the Busch Series? Could that be distracting you from winning a championship?

Conveniently, the struggles of Richard Childress Racing have hidden your lack of focus, Mr. Harvick. This year, with Richard Childress being "back" by all accounts, you probably won't be so lucky. That said, I hope that you're ready to answer when the tough questions start coming.

And I also hope you learn to mind your own damn business.

Ode to an Announcing Legend

Dear Benny Parsons,

In an era when sports announcers mostly consist of the overly-polished, Ivy League-trained snobs or know-it-all, arrogant former athletes, you were different.

Your homespun Southern drawl and hearty laugh made listeners feel like their grandfather was announcing the race.

Your ability to make even the most mundane racing move seem incredibly exciting was a characteristic that Darrell Waltrip now can only wish that he will match.

Your behind-the-scenes insights and personal asides brought out the humanity of NASCAR personas, and it made the sport not only watchable, but likeable.

You made every race that you announced a joy to tune into, every single time.

When ESPN lost the right to broadcast races just before the 2001 season began, my biggest concern was that I might not get to hear you announce again. Fortunately, you did turn up on NBC later that year.

Thank goodness. Everyone who ever listened to Benny Parsons comment on a race is better for the experience.

I cannot imagine a year without Benny Parsons in the booth. Unfortunately, now I must.

You will be missed, Benny.


Benny Parsons 1941-2007

The Angry Mob

Dear Denis Savard,

Hi again. It's us angry Chicago Blackhawk fans.

You know what makes us angry, Mr. Savard? A loss to the Red Wings. Yeah, that pisses us off.

You know what also tends to make us angry? A losing record. (Hawks are now 17-22-5).

Now, the author of this blog was particularly angry at you becoming the head coach, Denis. Just see his November 27, 2006 entry.

Yeah, but you began to prove him wrong. As a head coach, you actually started pushing the Blackhawks towards the playoffs...

...slowly.

The 'Hawks were within striking distance of the playoffs in 10th place.

They're now tied for 12th and in danger of falling to last place.

Hey, you know what might help? Sitting Nikolai Khabibulin. He's probably tired, having played 17 straight games. Yeah, not leaving him in there to get tired and die might definitely help.

Oh, but you know that Denis. You're a brilliant coach. Sports Illustrated even says so.

You'll know what to do.

And since you're so smart there Denis, let us be blunt with you here.

Fix this.

Fix this now.

Fix this now or we will take down that retired jersey of yours that's hanging from the rafters of the United Center, and beat you over the head with it.

Or maybe we'll just replace it with you...

...it depends. Are you going to lose to the Red Wings again?

Barry Bastard

Dear Barry Bonds,

Retire.

Go home.

Jump in front of a truck.

Seriously, screw your chase of Hank Aaron's record. You are the holder of a bigger world record that will never, I repeat, never be broken:

World's biggest dickhead baseball personality.

Let's see, from everything that has ever been reported, you:
-Have used performance enhancing drugs (even you've never outright denied that)
-Cheated on your wife
-Beat up your mistress
-Threatened your personal trainer (the one who got you the drugs)
-Refused to show hustle after getting hits, so that you almost never hit doubles
-Threatened your teammates
-And, in your latest chapter, you even blame a teammate for your own use of performance-enhancing drugs.

Wow. Seriously, what could you do for an encore? Kill a kitten with a baseball bat? Throw a baseball at the head of a dying boy? Anally rape Vin Scully?

I mean, just when I think that you couldn't possibly do something to make the people of this nation hate you more, you go and prove me completely wrong. Well, I give up. There is no floor for you, Mr. Bonds. You are a completely terrible human being. You contribute almost nothing positive to this planet. You are the scum of the baseball Earth.

The worst part? You'll completely dodge any charges of illegal drug use that will be brought against you because you gave appropriately vague answers before a grand jury. Because of your celebrity status, you'll pretty much get away with beating whoever you beat. Because of the baseball universe being asleep at the wheel for much of your drug use, you'll even get into the Hall of Fame for the illegitimate numbers that you put up.

In other words, you will never suffer the consequences that you should for the actions that you've done.

Do you even have a conscience, Barry? Don't you ever feel bad about yourself and the people that you hurt? Are you so soulless that you'd step on and hurt anyone or anything just to protect yourself?

In other words, are you related to:
-Hitler?
-Stalin?
-Saddam Hussein?
-Pol Pot?

You know what? I don't want to know. Just go away, Barry. Get lost. Leave us alone, and let us think of what we can do to prevent more jerks like you from ever happening. I don't know why it makes you so happy to be such a miserable human being, but since you insist on that, there's no reason to make the rest of us suffer for it.

Why Are You Still Here?

Dear Matt Millen,

Congratulations!

You are one of only two people in the United States whose continued presence in your office makes people want to scream, cry, and tear their hair out.

The other, I think, is George W. Bush.

Think about it: both men inspire large groups of people to congregate and conduct chants calling for their firing.

And why the hell not?

But back to the subject at hand, Mr. Millen. I cannot, for the life of me, determine why it is that you have a job right now. The Detroit Lions are 24-72 under your watch as General Manager. You have a top 10 pick in the draft for at least the third straight year. The Detroit Lions have finished last in their division for all but two years of your six year tenure (The other two years they finished next-to-last).

Perhaps most importantly, every single Detroit sports team has made a playoff appearance during your tenure. Even the Tigers! Sore subject?

I guess you have a job because owner William Clay Ford can't seem to let you go. Did you impregnate his daughter or something? Is he holding a shotgun to your head to make sure that you marry her? More importantly, will you honeymoon in Appalachia?

Okay, all joking aside (I think), you say, "I'll never quit...it's the way I'm made." Sure, it's the way I'm made too. The difference between you and me though, Mr. Millen, is that when I really suck at something, I walk away before I want to hang myself.

You'd think, with all of the criticism that George W. Bush receives, he might feel the same sorry way. However, there are people who think that George W. Bush is doing everything right (unfortunately), and people DO support him. Does anyone support you, Matt? I mean, besides from within the organization? Mr. Bush has at least 20% of the country agreeing with him at any given point in time. Does anyone agree with you Matt, besides Ford and the players that you overpay? What about them? Any big names signing with Detroit, or are the only ones who WANT to come back the ones that you brought in?

Seriously, Millen, step down! You can't be possibly be happy doing this. Would you rather live your days with an entire metropolitan area wanting your head, or would you rather go back to announcing, where maybe a couple drunks in a bar disagree with what you say? You can't honestly tell me that the former is preferable to the latter.

Sometimes, you just can't do something. Me, for example, I can't be an Olympic gymnast; I'm too old and inflexible. So what do I do? I stay the hell away from Olympic gymnastics! Likewise, Mr. Millen, you should stay the hell away from being the GM of the Detroit Lions.

And think about that "old and inflexible" comment.

http://www.firemillen.com