An Open Letter to Brian Vickers

Dear Brian Vickers,

Though I am not a NASCAR Nextel Cup driver, I feel that I must explain some fairly basic, and almost certainly well-known, concepts to you:

1. When fighting for the win at the end of a race, do not, under any circumstances, spin out your teammate.

2. When fighting for the win at the end of a Talladega race, do not, under any circumstances, do something that causes Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to crash.

3. Never, ever combine concepts 1 and 2.

But since you did, if I were you, I wouldn't go home for a while...you might find it burned down. I also wouldn't open your mail alone, nor would I go outside without a bodyguard.

As for the rest of your family, I'd talk to the FBI and ask about getting them into the Witness Relocation Program.

Oh, don't worry Brian, I won't do anything to you. In fact, your actions caused my favorite driver, Kasey Kahne, to finish 2nd. Who knows? NASCAR might even deprive you of your win (which, if they want their rules to have any teeth, they should) and award it to Kasey instead.

But I can't control other enraged Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jimmie Johnson fans.

Nor can I control those drivers on the track during future races.

Watch your back for a while buddy...

UPDATE: And by the way...well-said, Bill Elliott.