ESPN: Egad, Switch Priorities Now!

Let’s say I have a deck of cards. From that deck of cards, I pull the 9 of hearts.

Let’s also say that I tell the person next to me that I will bet him/her $100 that I’ll pull another 9 from that deck of cards.

For the sake of argument, let’s say that I do pull another 9, the 9 of spades.

Pretty lucky, right? Sure, damn lucky. I just won $100 on some pretty wild odds.

But would anyone say that I had just played a sport?

My guess is that 98% of people would say hell no, I hadn’t just played a sport, and I would agree. (I’m not sure what the other 2% of you are thinking, exactly). Did I challenge my mind? Nope. Did I do any difficult physical activity? Of course not.

So please, someone explain to me why Poker is still televised on ESPN.

I cannot say emphatically enough that Poker is NOT A SPORT!!!!! Poker requires no mental skill, no physical prowess, yet it continues to be televised every Tuesday night on ESPN at 8 AND 9 PM! So just in case I missed a couple guys getting handed random cards at 8, that’s okay because I can watch more of that at 9! At 10, do I get to watch grass grow on ESPN2?

I’m sorry, but Poker players are NOT athletes! They do not “train” outside of keeping the same face for an hour or two (and even that’s a joke because many of them make it easier by wearing sunglasses). They do no mental balancing outside of maybe calculating odds that might even be wrong. Want to know how much “skill” is required to win at Poker? Look, a freaking 21-year-old just won a tournament: (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/poker/news/story?id=2527689)

And yet this so-called “sport” even gets its own page on ESPN.com! (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/poker/index) For WHAT reason!?!? Even worse, there are ANALYSTS for this thing. What the hell are they analyzing? “Well, Moneymaker was thinking he was going to get the queen of hearts out there tonight, but he should’ve planned on the king of spades instead.” Wow, I bet it’s all fantastic journalism, and I can’t wait for their upcoming reports on Gladys Cunningham’s strategy at the slot machines in Reno.

Seriously, why does Poker get any airtime on ESPN? I mean, even other alleged “non-sports” require more physical and mental concentration than Poker. Compare it to some other “non-sports” I’ve heard debated about:

Auto Racing: Requires exemplary mind and body strength to handle cars going 180 mph and up. Pit crews must be in outstanding shape to move quickly during pit stops.

Poker: Most players are overweight and the only thing that requires “mind and body strength” is picking up the cards and tossing them on the table.

Darts: Requires hand-eye coordination, accurate wrist movement, and enough arm force to make the darts land on the board in the right places.

Poker: I dunno, does it require a lot of “arm force” and “wrist movement” to place the cards face-down or face-up on the table? Careful, you might get a sprain!

Bowling: Requires hand-eye coordination, as well as powerful and accurate wrist movement, together with proper lower-body movement.

Poker: Players sit in a chair trying to keep their faces still while picking up and tossing down cards.

Surfing: Requires extremely careful balance, as well as upper and lower-body power to handle ferociously high waves in sometimes life-or-death conditions.

Poker: See comparison to Bowling.

So there really is no comparison to Poker from any of these sports. Yet you will not see any Auto Racing, Bowling, or Surfing on ESPN’s Tuesday night lineup (though I hear Darts IS actually going to be televised now…), but you will get to see overweight people wearing sunglasses in already dimly-lit rooms playing games of cards. Fantastic. Count me out.

Is there really nothing else that ESPN can televise right now besides Poker? I’d watch a game between the Devil Rays and Royals before I’d watch Poker. Hell, I’d watch table tennis! I mean, isn’t there a college lacrosse tournament going on or something? How about a nice football game between North Dakota State and Sacramento State? How about ANY real sport, and not Poker, whose popularity is arguably dwindling anyway?

But please don’t get me wrong. If you like getting together with your friends on a Tuesday night, grabbing a few beers, smoking a few cigars and playing Poker in your basement, more power to you. Go right ahead and play your game and have all the fun in the world. However, I will never agree that your Tuesday night gathering is worthy of sports coverage on ESPN no matter how you might feel after winning your third straight hand. And anyway, is Poker the kind of thing that you want your already obese kid to be watching and learning from ESPN? Do you want him to be known as the cow-kid that never got any physical activity and was laughed at in gym class?

I will leave for another day the topics of how the National Spelling Bee and original movies are also televised on ESPN (and are not sports) and whether Poker is merely a game or a form of gambling (I express no opinion at the moment). I only say that Poker is not worthy of coverage on any sports network, and I don’t see what’s so damn entertaining about it anyway. Give me hockey, give me volleyball, heck, give me WATER POLO before you give me Poker to watch on ESPN.

If I’m sitting in a chair, watching TV, and being lazy, I don’t need to watch other people doing the same thing.