Sweet Lord, Chicago...

My thoughts after the Cubs were swept by the Tigers some weeks back:

Chicago, we need to talk.

Listen, there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that you’re one of the greatest cities in the world, and certainly a much better city than Detroit. People can walk in Chicago’s downtown without fearing for their lives. There’s more to do in downtown Chicago than downtown Detroit (where there’s two stadiums, an opera house, and a couple theaters. Yeah...Detroit). Chicago has a public transportation system that can actually be used (compared to Detroit’s “People Mover”). Chicago has taller buildings, more bars, and most importantly, better pizza.

Given all of these facts, please tell me why, Chicago, when you play Detroit in ANY sport lately, you get spanked like a four-year-old misbehaving in the grocery store.

This past weekend, the Chicago Cubs were swept, at Wrigley Field, by the Tigers. I listened to the game on the radio. You could hear the “Let’s Go Tigers” chants wafting through the stadium. I expected to at least hear some “Detroit Sucks!” chants in response (much like Blackhawks fans do when the Red Wings play them in Chicago). I heard practically nothing.

Not that I blame the Cubs fans. In comparison to the Tigers this year, the Cubs have absolutely no right to say that “Detroit Sucks.” Indeed, this year, the Cubs suck, and lately, so do all of Chicago’s sports teams when they play Detroit. Let’s look at the stats from other sports matchups:

The Chicago Blackhawks were 1-7 against the Detroit Red Wings last hockey season. The Chicago Bulls were 0-5 versus the Detroit Pistons. The Cubs, in their only matchup this year against a Detroit team, were swept badly.

Sure, I could recognize exceptions for the Chicago White Sox (5-1 so far against Detroit Tigers this year) and the Chicago Bears (2-0 vs. the Detroit Lions), but I won’t. The White Sox have been unable to pass the Tigers since they’ve taken the AL Central Division lead, and who are the Bears kidding, a team of trained seals could have beaten the Lions last season. (And hey, at least when the Lions were as bad as they were, Detroit fans took to the streets in protest, dressed in the opposing team's attire. You listening, Cubs and Blackhawks fans?)

So what’s your excuse, Chi-town? Why does the Motor City consistently blow the Windy City away? Why the hell should a run-down garbage pit of a city beat a world-class city on such a consistent basis when it comes to our national pastimes? Why are Detroit fans allowed to infiltrate Wrigley Field, the United Center, and maybe even U.S. Cellular Field to get in the faces of Chicago fans everywhere, reminding them how much better the teams from Michigan are? (Speaking of Michigan, how many times has Northwestern beaten U of M? Two? Northwestern should work on that as well.)

It’s ridiculous. No WAY should Detroit be better than Chicago at ANYTHING, least of all sports! And worse, Chicago doesn’t even seem to be angry about it! I mean, come on Cubs fans, I heard you booing for, like, the first inning, and then Detroit scored three runs and you were silent. What the hell?! Who cares that Detroit was up by three, get in their fans' faces! Throw stuff at them, shout or chase them out of the stadium, do something, do ANYTHING to tell these Detroit bastards that this is CHICAGO, and they need to go home to the ghetto!

(Yes, I know that no Detroit sports fan that can afford to travel goes home to the ghetto. They all go home to their cozy suburbs in West Bloomfield, Auburn Hills, and Plymouth. And actually, I don’t care to badmouth Plymouth because they have the Box Bar, which has a ton of beers from all around the world, as well as really good food. Props to Plymouth, indeed. But the rest of Detroit is a rotting pit, and the people in the suburbs could care less, so I don’t feel too bad about ragging those fans about it. Do something about your rotting namesake city, ya miserable bastards.)

At the risk of supporting vigilante violence, I will come to my primary point, which is that Chicago is too great and too proud of a city to let the Detroit "hole" beat them down so badly at sports. Chicago sports fans are among the most loyal one can find, and such a great sports city should be able to watch their teams beat ANY city on a consistent basis (Case-in-point: the Cubs are almost certainly going to finish near last place, but Wrigley remains sold out for every game. Where was everyone at Comerica Park during the Tigers’ 119 loss campaign?).

Hopefully, one day, the trend will be reversed. One day, perhaps Chicago teams will be the ones beating Detroit sports teams like red-headed stepchildren (Chris Shelton, you’re definitely a target). Until then, is it too much to ask of those loyal Chicago sports fans to fill the stadiums, at the very least, on every day that a Detroit team plays in town? Is it too much to ask of the coaches and players to play with a little more pride against teams from such a pitiful city? Is it too much to ask that those “Let’s Go Tigers/Red Wings/Pistons/Lions” cheers will be drowned out by chants of “DETROIT SUCKS! DETROIT SUCKS!” at every stadium?

Stand up, Chicago. You’re better, and you know it. Chase those Motor City jerks back to GM headquarters in downtown Detroit…

Where they’ll all get promptly go bankrupt making shitty cars.